Darwinbots Forum
General => Off Topic => Topic started by: Zelos on March 06, 2005, 12:33:08 PM
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This topic is for [span style=\'font-size:14pt;line-height:100%\']JOKES[/span] only!!. we all need a laugh, so here it is :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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There were once a ant hill. every day a elephant came and put his trunk into the hill, and blow. The ants fly in every direction. One day the ants had it enough. So when the elephant one of them jumped and grabed the neck, then every ant yelled "GOOD, NOW STRANGEL HIM"
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mother: why do you never do what I tell you to do?
little arne: im afraid you´ll get spoilt if you allways get ur will through
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-do you go to school my boy, askes a old lady?
-yes, everyday, answered olle!
-how old are you?
-8 years!
-im 50 years old and go to school to. can you guess what I am then?
-dum of course
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-waiter, is there soup on the meny today?
-no, I just wiped dry
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Blind Man.....
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?"
"Blind man," came the response.
Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes,
grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
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-waiter, do you have frog legs?
-nom I just walk strange!
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-its good acoustics in this hall!
-what did you say?
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-emil, give aunt anna a kiss! said mom
-no, said emil
-why not? wondered mom
-when dad kissed her, he got punshed
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-isnt it strange that the biggest jackasses get the most beautifulest womans?
-oh, dear you, now you flatter me again!
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-why does my stomach hurt doctor?
-what do you eat?
-only green stuff, like doctor told me.
-like?
-green tomatos, green bananas, and green potato
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-doctor, is there anything wrong whit my heart?
-ive examened ur heart very precisely and I can say that it will work as long as you live
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one ittle boy started to play violin. when he came to the violin lesson was it a machinegun in the violin case
-why do you have a machinegun whti you? screamed the violin teacher
-damn it, now did my dad get my violin to the bank
:lol:
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It was a boy who watched a football match, when his mam came in and said:
-its time for bed, and say ur evning pray.
-but mom, we shouldnt bother god in the middle of the match
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Two statues were in a park, one male, the other female. Many men and women fell in love under the gaze of these beautiful statues.
One day an angel came from Heaven. "You have been such good statues," he said, "that I will grant you half an hour of life. You may do anything you want."
The two statues came to life, the man gazing at the woman, the woman gazing at the man. The male statue grabbed the female's hands and they ran into the bushes.
The angel smiled as he heard rustling and giggling. 15 minutes later the couple returned.
"You still have 15 minutes," the angel said. "Isn't there anything else you want to do?"
The male statue turned to the girl. "Again?"
The girl statue smiled. "Okay, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head!"
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Forrest Gump
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's
certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever
tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a
big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the
letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you
credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a
nod I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd . . ."
"Hold it, "interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point,
though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. But I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand
how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world
did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
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"Throughout my life, I have always noticed that people are very fickle.
From a very young age I trained to be a baker, an expert in the cullinary skills.
Soon I became the greatest maker of pastries that Italy has ever known.
For more than 50 years I produced the most mouth watering Pies, cakes and culinary delights that many had ever tasted.
People came from far and wide to sample my fare.
Yet as I lie here on my death bed, what do they remember me for?
All my life I made great cakes!
Do they say...
"That Angelo, he made the best cakes ever!"
NO!
All my life I made great pastries!
Do they say...
"That Angelo, he made the best pasties ever!"
NO!
All my life I made great pies!
Do they say ...
"That Angelo, he made the greatest pies ever!"
NO
I fuck one sheep!
From the memoires of Angelo the Sheep Shagger
1937 to 2004 RIP
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Nasty jokes
Girl: "Mom, grandma has a mole."
Mother:"Shut up and eat!"
Q: What is fast food for cannibals?
A: 100 meter sprinter.
Q: What is a pregnant woman to cannibals?
A: Kinder suprise.
Hitler: "Hi little girl. How old are you?
Girl: "Tomorow, I'll be three!"
Hitler: "No, you won't."
Mother and doughter walk into the store, but doughter doesn't have any arms.
Doughter: "Mom, can I have candy?"
Mother:" Well, go and get some."
Doughter: "But mom, I have no arms."
Mother : "No arms, no candy."
I could translate some more, but I don't feel like it...
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here are some totally silly jokes which mostly came from a university rag week publication in about 1995 I think. Mostly refering to Elephants and stuff.
Q What is the difference between an Elephant and a prune?
A The color!
Q What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A Here come the Elephants! :wacko:
Q What did Tarzan say when he sw the elephants coming over the hill?
A Here come the prunes! (he was color blind)
Q Why did the Elephant paint his balls red?
A So that he could hide in a cherry tree!
Q What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A A Giraffe eating cherries! :blink:
Q Why did the Elephant pain the soles of his feet yellow?
A So that he could hide by floating upside down in a very large bowl of custard!
Well that is enough messing with your heads for now.
:D PY :D