Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 7541 times)

Offline shvarz

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« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2005, 01:50:12 PM »
Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's
certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you,
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever
tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a
big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the
letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you
credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a
nod I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd . . ."
"Hold it, "interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point,
though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. But I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand
how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world
did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid things in big numbers" - Serious Sam

Offline PurpleYouko

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« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2005, 02:15:32 PM »
Quote
"Throughout my life, I have always noticed that people are very fickle.

From a very young age I trained to be a baker, an expert in the cullinary skills.

Soon I became the greatest maker of pastries that Italy has ever known.

For more than 50 years I produced the most mouth watering Pies, cakes and culinary delights that many had ever tasted.
People came from far and wide to sample my fare.

Yet as I lie here on my death bed, what do they remember me for?

All my life I made great cakes!
Do they say...
"That Angelo, he made the best cakes ever!"

NO!

All my life I made great pastries!
Do they say...
"That Angelo, he made the best pasties ever!"

NO!

All my life I made great pies!
Do they say ...
"That Angelo, he made the greatest pies ever!"

NO

I fuck one sheep!

From the memoires of Angelo the Sheep Shagger
1937 to 2004 RIP
There are 10 kinds of people in the world
Those who understand binary.
and those who don't

:D PY :D

Offline k0zm0

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« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2005, 10:45:00 AM »
Nasty jokes

Girl: "Mom, grandma has a mole."
Mother:"Shut up and eat!"

Q: What is fast food for cannibals?
A: 100 meter sprinter.

Q: What is a pregnant woman to cannibals?
A: Kinder suprise.

Hitler: "Hi little girl. How old are you?
Girl: "Tomorow, I'll be three!"
Hitler: "No, you won't."

Mother and doughter walk into the store, but doughter doesn't have any arms.
Doughter: "Mom, can I have candy?"
Mother:" Well, go and get some."
Doughter: "But mom, I have no arms."
Mother : "No arms, no candy."

I could translate some more, but I don't feel like it...
I'm not crazy and I'm not normal.
If I were normal, I would go crazy.

Offline PurpleYouko

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« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2005, 11:38:13 AM »
here are some totally silly jokes which mostly came from a university rag week publication in about 1995 I think. Mostly refering to Elephants and stuff.


Q  What is the difference between an Elephant and a prune?

A  The color!


Q  What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A  Here come the Elephants!  :wacko:


Q  What did Tarzan say when he sw the elephants coming over the hill?

A  Here come the prunes! (he was color blind)


Q  Why did the Elephant paint his balls red?

A  So that he could hide in a cherry tree!


Q  What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A  A Giraffe eating cherries!   :blink:


Q  Why did the Elephant pain the soles of his feet yellow?

A  So that he could hide by floating upside down in a very large bowl of custard!


Well that is enough messing with your heads for now.

 :D  PY  :D
There are 10 kinds of people in the world
Those who understand binary.
and those who don't

:D PY :D